but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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