Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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