do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
