I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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