She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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