dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I faked an abortion last night.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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