You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
