Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I think I sprained my soul last night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
