Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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