Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
