I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
