there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Send help, water and tortillas.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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