just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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