Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I checked into jail on foursquare
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We need a shit load of segways right now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
