My underwear smells like fireworks.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
