I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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