You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
