I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
