Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
