I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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