you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
