dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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