My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
