the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
