Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I could make wine with my vomit
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
