can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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