I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Operation Purity has been aborted
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
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