She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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