I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
