I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
