The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
