I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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