I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
