Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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