Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
