somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Randomize
