I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
