Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize