did you get engaged???
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she pinky promised me she was 18
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
