6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
