I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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