He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you didnt know i had herpes?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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