evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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