Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
