God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
