The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
