If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
