would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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