im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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