I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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