Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
