It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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