The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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