I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
