So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
