there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
