So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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