I love black thongs
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
All I want is dick and wine.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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